CMF paces, wolfishly impatient, before the hydran mass of elders: the Board of Trustees
they are legion and ancient but a queer light shines in their eyes
more than just the projector's reflection thru their bifocals
the BoT knows more than it is collectively letting on
CMF paces, tigress oblivious to that outside her own stripey head
an old woman toward the back of the clump licks her lips once
the .pptx swirls softly behind her (CMF)
she looks up and smiles, too wide and too bright her teeth shine
the meeting is underway
C: honored members of the board
as you know
this school's not so fiduciarily hot right now
unfortunate things, this economy does to people
not in dire straits per se quite yet
but we're getting there
the digital bean counters crunched the numbers
ran the algorithms
found out future-looking what our biggest drawbacks are
and the data were very clear; the graphs were unanimous
our major problem
how do i put this
it's more or less our students
specifically w/r/t the things that they do
that they know that they shouldn't
B: no shit; those damn meddlesome kids keep our insurance thru the roof
C: among other places it or they should not end up
there's also been a solid realization among the faculty
B: so what are you suggesting?
C: well long term we should get better students
but meantime in between now and then i suggest we try & improve the ones we have
make them become some versions better of themselves than they are at the moment
without being realized in our honing of their unshittiness
specifically we'll focus them on aspects that code for lucrative achievements on our end
combine our cheeky insights with a lil guidance in a way that they can't find us out for being the thing guiding their new kind of being
B: this sounds like bullshit
like what, do you suggest secret dream therapy?
C: in a manner of speaking;
oneiricity is implicit to the practices in theory
but for us we'll choose for it to be more subtlety used
than jumping into induced lucid dreams, Inception-esque—no,
not today is that angle at play
in this case in particular the tact will be one of newly unabused approaches
something that will offer a XXI c. spin on an age-old dilemma
viz. the torrid system accompaniant to childhood's end
cherished members of the board, may i present to thee the first installment in the latest effort to combat stupidity: mechanical psychiatry
it's a robot you talk to and it tells you how to be a better you, see
runs your wants and whims thru a better algorithm
churns out answers rigorously to your emotional queries
don't ask how
let's just say we found a manual that's helped us along in figuring out
good monsieurs and madams i truly think this is the grandest answer to our darn dilemma
these kids don't listen to us; no longer as an adult voice do we hold their trust
but the thing that they swing to electrickly is AI, OK?
B: hold up;
so you say, what, that we commit our resources more fully to a blinking screen than any form of meaningful interaction
C: well that's the thing, sir, with all due respect to your analog roots
in the digital age these do constitute meaningful truths
if they come from a screen that they want to believe
these youth are crazy, don't you know
just like every group of kids that've come before
B: and just how do we achieve that
C: like this:
attach to their parents first
send a packet to prospective first-years' home address informing mom & dad that their children've been pre-selected to be in a genius pilot program
setting forth a bunch of rubrics and schematics and be clear in outlining our electronic tactics
state the facts: your children do receive
no—are granted
no—are lucky to be selected for this prestigious special offering
phrase the framing as a gift
this will raise your kids
no—lift them to an unprecedented viewing point and gift unique opportunities to work alone & jointly
greatness waits for you, ways off but do know that the point be there
welcome to YPI
etc., etc., and maybe six weeks after they are sent i bet you three months' endowment that we'll get a record level of interest
it'll come off as a novel-for-novel's-sake idea—people go crazy for that shit
early adopters and helicopter parents alike will cry out for it
we can throw some jargon on it
call it: Turing Time
B: we don't get it
C: ya, i agree; the name's kind of irrelevant
but the important clauses will be hidden deep within the contracts:
releasing all their relevant data to us, from any 'base to which we can get
importantly signing them up for mandatory interviewing sessions
them and a monitor
before which they'll type on a keyboard all the secrets they can care for
just them, and a far-off psychiatric interviewer, they'll think
but we'll be watching, accorded to do so by the paperwork their guardians signed
given first-hand front-row seats into their minds
and cheat sheets for all the shitty things they'll try to do over time
not only that, but i think we can pre-empt any crimes they may aim to accomplish
all it takes is a large-scale deep-seeded data harvest
so we'll need to upgrade our server farms to handle all the number crunching
and install a Trojan keylogger over the wifi system
and initiate random screencaps to compile and be parsed w/in the mainframe
and of course—
B: ms friendly if we may be quite blunt this sounds like a knockoff of Minority Report
C: well yes, at first, it'll be limited to last-minute responses
but over a period of long enough time, we'll be ahead by far enough to actually inoculate them socially
sculpt their behavior how we'd like them to be
take on fully our role as educators and lead these kids into the kind of society we'd like them to be
we are foolproofing the state of our university
can't you see? the digital age will prove the saving grace of higher education
we can now spread our politics like every other kind of information
use the internet to facilitate a multi-modal promulgation
of our corporate vision, filled with responsible kids
even before they arrive on campus, we can start the process of adjusting them to preference
toning down their shitty tendencies
culling what behavior doesn't really fit us
and it's all done via the web, i.e. v surreptitiously
B: what does v mean
C: very
B: we're not sure we're quite sold
C: here's our first year projected budget report
to put it briefly, it's very close to dirt cheaply to be done
[the BoT picks up the packet, pages thru it uber-quickly
like a phi phenomenal inductive flipbook would be read
maybe the budget is all pictures? hard to tell from this angle
BoT puts it back down]
B: we are onboard
congratulations ms friendly
you may be the first president in sixty years to bring us an idea
that we don't actually actively hate
C: i am flattered by your kind words
but am simply happy to be serving
all hail highest ed
B: amen; may it never die
[CMF reaches 'cross the table w/extended hand
the BoT rises as one to greet her, arms outstretched back
reaching toward each other, the bodies en masse begin to shake
writhing, pseudo-Dionysian ecstasies against one another rubbing
all manner of limbs and dress shirts and pantsuits flailing, touching
the table breaks under the weight; the mass collapses, still dry-f%č$ing
the lights go out save a spot above the table/people scraps that in stark white 1200 lux
(reflecting at least 9000 nits)
captures the rat king as its loudest moment of passion starts happening
which could entail a lot of things, to be left to the descriptive imagination
it is an uncomfortably long moment for those watching, that's for sure]
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